i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I think a kid would responsible me up
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
