and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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