btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
