You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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