Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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