Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
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Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
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It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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