she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
