He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
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An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
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Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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