I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
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