I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
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I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
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...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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