Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Randomize
