Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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