Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I just threw up on my dentist
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
