shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
