Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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