Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
