guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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