I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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