my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
