why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just google imaged poop.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
