It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
