My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
