Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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