i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So. Much. Porn.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
