One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
