If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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