chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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