Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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