guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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