A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
