I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
