We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
