I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
