True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
