I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
