Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
