I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we're making bets on your personal life
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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