I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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