I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
