She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
