3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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