Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
