hotel room ftw
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
