My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
