Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
