Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
