wakey wakey hands off snakey
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
