he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
