I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
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