Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
