So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
