So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
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YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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