Your face is a jimmy john
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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