FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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