After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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