he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
