This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
then he tried to convert me to islam
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
