You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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