I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
