my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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